Choice : a short story.

It was always cold in her bathroom. The Dr. Bronner 's soap had become white and was getting ready to crystallize. The floor tiles felt like a million needles piercing through her nerve endings to get to her motivational morning rituals. It was time to go,and she knew it. She could hear the haunting sound of hungry sheep outside,begging for hay and unfrozen water. “How did I get here?”Choice. She thought. Choice or most likely a series of choices,that's how lives are made into moments, and then into regrets. “Choice”She repeated,as if she was standing in a cavern with echoing ability. That word seemed to sound familiar but yet did not ring any bell because if it did she would have examined her life choices with extra care she believed. After brushing her teeth,she put on her overalls,the red ones because it reminded her of summer days and of the wild flowers she used to bring her mum after running through the fields with Ryan. Ryan,another choice she made,may be the right one,may be the wrong one. No one's here to judge. The sheep's complaint was growing stronger. “Time to go.” Time to feel the buckets with feed,walk through the frozen fields to reach the back of the farm. It was a nice farm,with great potential. It had not reached it yet though. Just like her,it had gotten tired before it's age. Frozen by time and used by it's environment. Nothing was too much for her she had decided at a very young age. No project too big,no amount of time too small. She would take on this farm like she took on her marriage: “With all my heart and soul,” she figured. But like for her marriage,one heart and one soul was not enough. If you stretch a heart long enough it will probably explode or something like that. If you stretch a marriage,it will probably implode. And that is what happened. Her husband had left the farm feeling powerless to help a woman who could do it all as her dad said. She was a daddy's girl,always trying to please him,make him feel proud,which he was of course. Her mama had told her that “A husband is like a crawfish, if you let it boil too long it will disappear.” Mama was from the south,therefore all her sayings needed a little bit of explanation. Mama wanted to tell her daughter that you can't leave a man on the sidelines when it comes to a marriage,that she should not have been the one wearing the pants,that Ryan could have worn the pants once in a while and that it would have made all the difference in their marriage. But there was nothing Mama could say to appease her daughter. Their relationship had been strange since that day. That day Laura had seen her mama put on that red lipstick to go get “the prescription” from the pharmacy. That day when she did not come home until the break of dawn when the birds start singing sad early morning songs. That day when an old pick up truck dropped her off,playing an old country tune singing her mama's name to the night. : “Goodnight Irene,good night..”it went off in the night,and never came back. Irene's daughter was standing bare feet on the wrap around porch,too young to know but old enough to remember. That was a decisive moment in their lives. It never was the same after that night. But today was not about her mother's choices,or even her husband's decision to abandon her. It was about her. She had made the choice to start a sheep farm,during the worst economic times of the century,or so they said. That was her choice after all,her life,her farm. She loved feeding the sheep in the morning. They were so dependent on her,and she loved that feeling. It reminded her of her son when he was just a baby,when he needed her so bad. She felt so special and appreciated at the time. She wished that Ryan still felt that way about her as he once did back in the day. That was a long time ago,she thought. What went wrong? She did not know. Was it that I can't trust him since I feel that marriage is a lie after seeing my parents living one for years? May be I am too controlling and overpowering. Making decisions for us,when we should make decisions together? All these points were valid points and would have been great answers to give a therapist after years of being tormented on his couch. So she knew the answer. And that is what scared her. Why did she make these wrong choices if she knew? May be she did not care. May be she was still learning. Learning to be human,to make choices and decipher among them which is the least painful one to make. At least with the sheep the choices were clear. Feed them,water them,help them give birth,help them die. Her life was more complicated because her choices were affecting more than one person and that is what she understood that day after her morning chores. She had finally understood the link that is invisible yet so strong. “Any choice I make is not just for me. Everyone is affected by the health of my land or the mask on my face.” She had understood all of it but was not quite sure what to do with it yet. How to explain it to the world anyways. She would sound like a Neo-green hipppie chick and no one would take her seriously. It did not matter though because her decision was made. Her crusade had begun and no one could stop her from changing the world,one choice at a time.

By Melanie Strang-Hardy,all rights reserved and all people and animals somewhat fictional! ;)